only reason im not deleting that is for preservations sake.. oh my god i wanna delete it
ive found some degree of mental stability and im really proud of it. new routines, new me, new clothes, new hell yeah n more singing to learn
also isn't it silly how much society revolves around performance?? i was thinking about it earlier but we're so deep into post irony that if i were to tell someone im a feminist they'd think its purely for performance because i guess you can only be a good person ironically. i noticed it more when a guy in my program(i had basically just met him that day, but hes one of those guys that kinda just repeats whats mainstream funny but isn't really funny at all with it ykwim) told this girl that hes a feminist, and i have no idea whether or not he was being deadass (i kind of doubt it because i really don't think that's something that NEEDS announcing) but me and my friend instantly starting cheesing bcs yk damn well no knitter in this day and age means that shit.
but literally instantly i thought "wait what if hes being deadass??" and now we're here. i feel like a large part of the performance now a days is the fact that you feel the need to announce it, but i know most people will stretch it way further such as (using feminism as an example because it literally is the main one sadly)
"dont call her a bitch thats disrepectful"
"performative ass lmao gtfo"
anything that really deviates from the norm is seen as performative because everything is ironic. everything is a performance technically, yeah, but i really do feel like women are equal to men and shouldn't be paid less or have to be 20x more aware when walking outside and shouldnt be objectified and should be able to live js like men do but does the perfomance lie in the announcement of these things or js in beliefs that deviate from the norm??
idgaf if im called performative though js pondering
wow its been like a month i honestly think that's what im gonna do or maybe every 2 weeks
im doing pretty okay and turns out i do have visual snow syndrome so that's a big fat relief personally and im pretty sure it explains my constant exhaustion aswell
EVERYTHING IS SO EXHAUSTING especially people related stuff. reading too much gets me kind of winded, small talk is tiring, texting is the worst thing ever to do and lowkey so is playing the game atp, i dont really think that's normal at all.
also i seriously miss my ex sometimes guys. sometimes i see self help content preaching individuality and never looking back and i wonder if she falls into that kind of dehumanizing trap just because it's whats most pushed as the method. it hasn't been that long since we broke up (like 3 months) but something keeps telling me we're gonna come back together like we have before (before we ever dated but still liked eachother, we tried getting tg but we kind of didnt like twice before this) it could just be delusions tho
we were ass to eachother in a really ass time for the both of us (so ass i don't really remember it), and ultimately she thought i was in a better place than i actually was and blamed our dynamic being a part of the reason as to why we "dont work". i wish someone would tell her it really isn't that and i was actually lowkey losing my mind and she was not helping at all
i don't want the end, just a see you later. i long to breath in her perfume and watch youtube with her again, and see that smile that i lived for again
yeah so basically i got to heal more is what im picking up yeah i got you yeah
no but seriously can someone actually tell her it would be really nice thanks
next website updates coming like next week?? idk whenever im off from my program for a while and i get a saturday free
lots of love, even to those im too tired to talk to
ill be seeing you guys. in the next one.
i actually really like shopping guys.
looking at stuff and plotting on clothes i wanna buy while listening to music and feeling like the coolest guy ever is like the BEST thing ever. especially when you're listening to sevendust oh my god I LOVE YOU SEVENDUST
but real talk, its kind of sad how i not only had felt embarrassed but also somewhat ashamed to do this before, and if id ever do it it would be more like a dirty secret rather than something i now more or less take pride in. the shackles of childhood pains run deep, always remember to look inwards guys
speaking of, texting people is so exhausting sometimes, even just the thought of it eats away at my soul no matter how much i like the person. i doubt its related to childhood trauma or whatever but they seem mildly connected it could just be that im still low on energy
also, i might reread all of chainsaw man because i first read it soooo long ago and it was such an experience (i lowkey dont remember it though BUT I DO REMEMBER FEELING STUFF THATS WHAT MATTERS), and then i can review it and have more website content!! helll yeahhhh buddy
along with that, maybe ill add a little section for photos of stuff i take and pics of my cat too. yeah i have a cat. yeah i know ladies, one at a time. if not, then just for my other projects in general since i do still make stuff on scratch js as a creative outlet but i could also link my youtube with my 3d animations(usually short, ngl they each take me like a day with a month in between crying emoji) but we'll see
ALSO ALSO I PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO MY BUTTON AND THEN THE DETAIL ISNT VISIBLE??? ARE WE SERIOUS??? AAAHHHHHH ILL MAKE IT BETTER THIS NEXT TIME WATCH AND IT WILL BE TWICE AS COOL WATCH WATCH WATCH
keep self actualizing, love you guys??????? (is there even a guys to refer to yet)
isnt it weird how you can have so much to say but no thoughts at the same time???? i honestly spent like 10 minutes staring at the ceiling trying to think of something to write about, and i thought id have so much to say too
google says i have blank mind syndrome..... thanks google
regardless of, it's tied to derealization and depersonalization, visual snow strikes again!!!
this is visual snow btw, really unknown syndrome and word needs to be spread about it guys, it's literally life-changing(for the worse) and makes me pretty miserable sometimes ngl
since im still sick all ive been doing is working on this website, lowkey feeling anxious about(and dont wanna go back to school) but ill js do it scared when the time comes
DEAD BULL WITH THE LIFE ON THE LOOOOWW